Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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