I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
