Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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