watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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