No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
