GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
