i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
