the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
