Define "chronic" masturbator.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
