it was like eating out sand paper
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
