i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
