Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Naked Twister starts at high noon
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
