yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
