Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
