I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
