cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
