When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
