Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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