she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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