Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
