Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
