After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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