The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
