The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
