I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
