I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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