Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
