I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
