This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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