Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
