I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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