We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
