I love how my cats smell like pot.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
