im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
