i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
