Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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