You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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