why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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