I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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