I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
