this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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