My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
did i walk over a car last night?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
