I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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