I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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