I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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