How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
