Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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