i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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