you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
