i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
