Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
