ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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