Will you blow on my dice?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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