and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
