my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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