you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
