my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
