apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
