I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
