PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
